The last few years I've participated in the practice of picking a word of the year.
This year I'm stuck in the process, and it just isn't happening.
Maybe it is because I feel like I completely failed at 2017's word. I failed so badly that by summer I couldn't even tell you what my word was because I couldn't remember. Not even knowing what the word was, I knew for sure that I hadn't lived into it. How could I have? My life was a mess.
Some healing happened in the fall, but healing doesn't mean fixed. The last few days of 2017 I may have physically been going through the motions, but emotionally I was flat on my face.
I looked this morning to see what my 2017 word was because I still couldn't remember. It was confidence.
When I think of living in confidence, I picture those cute little toys I loved as a kid, Weebles. Remember "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down?" Weebles had these rounded bottoms that were weighted in the way that they bounced back up.
That was not my experience in 2017. I weebled, I woobled, I fell down. I didn't live in confidence in anything.
I failed at ministry, parenting, trust in God, family relationships, goals. We had a failed adoption referral in February, and we started over with a new referral in April.
I was so grateful to start a new year. 2018 is here, and it has got to be better! After recovering from strep, I began all the new year goal-building exercises. I reviewed my 2017 planner, made lists of what worked and what didn't, downloaded Jennie Allen's Dream Guide, and started my word of the year worksheet.
I've filled out half of my word of the year worksheet, and I'm stuck. I'm reluctant. I failed so badly at remaining confident in God and myself in 2017. Was I just bad at knowing my situation or self at the beginning of last year or was I just bad a knowing the future?
2018's word is still to be determined.
I don't know what God has for me in 2018, and I'm going to need more time getting quiet.
What I do know is that I ended 2017 on my face, and when I look at Scripture, being on your face wasn't a bad place to be. It usually meant something good was happening. It usually is done when a person is in the presence of God (Genesis, 17:3, Numbers 20:6, Ezekial 1:28, Luke 5:12, Revelations 7:11) or expressing worship (1 Kings 18:39, 1 Chronicles 29:20, Matthew 2:11, Matthew 17:6).
It also could mean something bad had happened. Face down is an expression of fear or mourning (Isaiah 15:3, Joshua 7:6).
I am in mourning of the losses and changes our life is going through. I am in fear of the changes that are inevitable in 2018. I feel very unsure of what 2018 holds.
I've repented of the times I lost confidence in the love, sovereignty, and goodness of God in the past year. I'm forgiven. I'm loved.
Right now I'm staying on my face for a little while longer. I'll let you know when that changes.
I'm on my face in mourning. Mourning doesn't make people comfortable, but it is a necessary part of healing.
I'm on my face in worship.
I'm on my face listening and asking for healing.
Want to pick a word for 2018? Subscribe to my email newsletter, and I will email you the worksheet.